Steven Wright Quotes - 46 quotes

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is renowned for his distinctive lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes. He was born on December 6, 1955, in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Wright b... show more

 I got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it. I called my roommate and I said come here and look at this stuff. It's all an exact replica, what do you think? He said do I know you?
- Steven Wright
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 One time right in the middle of a job interview, I took out a book and I started reading. The guy said what the hell are you doing? I said let me ask you one question. If you were in a vehicle and you were travelling at the speed of light, and then you turned your lights on, would they do anything? He said I don't know. I said forget it then, I don't want to work for you.
- Steven Wright
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 I've never seen electricity. That's why I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill: sorry, haven't seen it all month.
- Steven Wright
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 It's a good apartment building to live in though, because they allow pets. I have a pony. I have a Shetland pony named Nikki. And last summer he was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All the hair was removed except for the tail. Now I rent him out to Hari Krishna family picnics.
- Steven Wright
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 Yeah, it's a small world. But I wouldn't want to paint it.
- Steven Wright
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 One time I went to the drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me 95 dollars! I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.
- Steven Wright
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 About 4 years ago...No it was yesterday. I couldn't sleep so I got up. Then I got hungry so I went down to the store that I know was open 24 hours. When I got down there, there was a guy outside locking it up. He said sorry, we're closed. I said what do you mean your closed. The sign says open 24 hours. He said, not in a row!
- Steven Wright
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 I called the wrong number today. I said hello is Joey there? And a woman answered. She said yes, yes, he is. I said can I speak to him please? She said no, he can't talk right now. He's only two months old. I said alright, I'll wait.
- Steven Wright
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 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts, but I only need them when I read, so I got flip ups. I keep them on my desk right next to my typewriter. I have the oldest typewriter in the entire world. Types in pencil.
- Steven Wright
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 I was travelling with my friend George. Some people think George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think he's weird because he has false teeth but he has braces on them.
- Steven Wright
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 Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know it until I got there and set it up. People complaining because they couldn't see the lake.
- Steven Wright
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 My friend George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
- Steven Wright
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 I'm entering the strangest sweep stakes. It's a contest you pay 50 cents, you get a little card that has a number on it. Then you go up to any stranger and you scratch a penny on his head. If the number under there matches the number you have then you win $100 dollars. I won twice. I was beat up 11 times.
- Steven Wright
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 The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
- Steven Wright
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 I'm planning a trip to Spain. So I bought an album that teaches you the language. You put the album on, you put headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day. I could only stutter in spanish.
- Steven Wright
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 I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked me if I slept good. I said no, I made a few mistakes.
- Steven Wright
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 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright
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 The police stopped me for speeding. They said don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour? I said yeah, I know. But I wasn't going to be out that long.
- Steven Wright
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 I have a 3 year old dog. I named him stay. He was a lot of fun when he was a puppy cuz when I called him, I'd say "Come here stay. Come here stay." And he'd go (start, stop start, stop)
- Steven Wright
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 I live in an apartment building, everybody who lives in the building is absolutely insane. The man who lives above me designed synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The woman lives beside me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said give me all the money in the vault or I'll mark down everything in the store.
- Steven Wright
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 Carson: Some very, very, funny observations. Do you come from a normal, uh family? In the sense, I mean mother and father, one of each? Wright: In a way. Height-wise.
- Steven Wright
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 I like it here. I have a new girlfriend. She's 3. I met her in Toys R' Us.
- Steven Wright
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 The stones. I love the stones. I can't believe they're still doing it after all these years. I watch em whenever I can. Fred and Barney.
- Steven Wright
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 Whenever I see a Dalmatian I say what number are you?
- Steven Wright
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 I took a lie detector test. No I didn't.
- Steven Wright
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 I'm living on a one-way, dead-end street. I don't know how I ever got there.
- Steven Wright
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 I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a sky light. The people living above me are furious.
- Steven Wright
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 I've been making wine at home, but I make it out of raisins so it will be aged automatically.
- Steven Wright
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 (Waterglass joke)
- Steven Wright
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 Friend of mine is in jail for counterfeit pennies. It's minimum security. He's on a whiffle ball and chain. You know how they caught him? He had the head and the tail on the wrong side.
- Steven Wright
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 Another friend of mine does voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'd just be walking down the street and all of the sudden "Oh...That's much better!"
- Steven Wright
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 Hermits have no peer pressure.
- Steven Wright
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 Whenever I think about the past it just brings up so many memories.
- Steven Wright
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 There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright
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 What's another work for "thesaurus"?
- Steven Wright
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 I'm kind of tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
- Steven Wright
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 The only reason I exist is so my shadow will have something to do. Tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't because my arm kept moving. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.
- Steven Wright
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 One time I was walking through the woods and I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. I said don't be so sarcastic.
- Steven Wright
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 I have all the erasures to all of the miniature golf pencils in the world.
- Steven Wright
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 I was driving down the street past a sign that said "next rest area 25 miles". I said "Wow! That's pretty big! People must get really tired around here."
- Steven Wright
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 Tinsel is really snake mirrors. I always carry a little bit of tinsel with me when I walk through the woods in case I come across a snake. Even snakes are afraid of snakes. Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests. My father used to tell me that when he put me to bed at night. "Snakes have no arms, that's why they don't wear vests... Good night."
- Steven Wright
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 Five years old, watching TV. "Only you can prevent forest fires!" (points at himself surprised). Oh no!. Every night, out the window with a bucket of water. Stephen, why are you so tired all the time? "I'm preventing forest fires."
- Steven Wright
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 What a nice night for an evening, uh? First thing I said to my girlfriend in 7th grade, what a nice night for an evening. She looked at me like I was crazy. We were on the same bus together for 7 years. I asked her if she lives in the area? Went over to pick her up at her house, her father said I want her home by 8:15. I said middle of August, that's cool.
- Steven Wright
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 1966 I'm in little league, I'm on first. I steal 3rd. I went straight across. Earlier that week I learnt that the shortest distance between two points is a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. I told the umpire 2nd base was out of my way.
- Steven Wright
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 You think when they asked George Washington for his ID he pulled out a quarter?
- Steven Wright
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 Black holes are where God divided by zero.

- Steven Wright

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