When our sons were growing up, they enjoyed a very broad tolerance from their father toward their mischief and mistakes. But there was no tolerance for even the slightest disrespect toward their mother. And the question our daughters-in-law have heard most often from me has been, “Is he being good to you?”
Content: If the problem is a single incident, then address the content. The content includes the facts about what you expected and what you observed. Pattern: If your chief concern is with the pattern of behaviors, then address the pattern. The pattern is that the person has made a commitment or promise, and has failed to live up to it. Relationship: If your chief concern involves trust or respect, then address the relationship. The relationship may need to change.
Too many people count on others to speak up for them. They are too timid to speak up for themselves. The people who do speak up fall into two camps: those especially skilled at crucial conversations and those who aren’t. Those especially skilled folks know how to speak up in ways that are frank, honest, and respectful. Those who are especially unskilled are honest, but offensive, and may not even realize how negative they actually are.
Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the help-meet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with Him in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.
We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention. To me there has always been something significant in the description of the prophet Elijah’s contest with the priests of Baal. The scripture records that “a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks … but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:
There is need for a vast amount of discipline in marriage, not of one’s companion, but of one’s self.
I know of few more meaningful statements for fathers and for fathers-to-be than this counsel given by President David O. McKay. Said he: “A father can do no greater thing for his children than to let them feel that he loves their mother.”
I repeat, the voice of domestic peace is a gentle voice
I am convinced that there is no better discipline nor one more fruitful of blessings than for those who establish homes and families to follow the commandment given to ancient Israel through the prophet Malachi: “Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, … and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.” (Mal. 3:10.)
Marriage usually brings with it the incurring of many obligations. To you, my young friends, I should like to suggest that you make it your first obligation to live honestly with God in the payment of your tithes and offerings. You will need his blessings; oh, how much you will need them! I give you my solemn testimony that he does that which he has promised to do. Among those blessings will be peace in the home and love in the heart.
The first of these I call Respect for One Another, the kind of respect that regards one’s companion as the most precious friend on earth and not as a possession or a chattel to be forced or compelled to suit one’s selfish whims.
This respect comes of recognition that each of us is a son or daughter of God, endowed with something of his divine nature, that each is an individual entitled to expression and cultivation of individual talents and deserving of forbearance, of patience, of understanding, of courtesy, of thoughtful consideration. True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of one’s companion.
As you discipline yourselves in the expenditure of your means, beginning with your obligations to your Father in heaven, the cankering selfishness that leads to so much strain in domestic affairs will go out of your lives, for if you will share with the Lord whom you do not see, you will deal more graciously, more honestly, and more generously with those whom you do see. As you live honestly with God, you will be inclined to live honestly with one another.
“Having sincerely listened, it’s good to check your understanding. Summarize what you just learned about the other person and their point of view. Don’t evaluate or rebut. Just check your understanding of what they said. It might go something like this. ‘You feel strongly about this and this, because of this, and that’s one reason that you think what’s happening is awful and needs to be corrected. Is that right? Did I get that right?’ Give them the opportunity to clarify their remarks or meaning. Sincerely thank them for sharing. ‘I appreciate your helping me. I really wanted to know how you see this’.
“What do I really want? That’s a question that takes the reasoning and logic side of your brain and plugs it in to your values and beliefs. We call it Start With Heart. Get your heart right before you open your mouth and you will have dramatically increased the likelihood of having a helpful rather than a hurtful conversation.”
McMillan said, “The strategy that makes sense to me is a Steven Covey principle. “Seek first to understand, then seek to be understood.” If I work on you first. and you feel really understood, then often your defensiveness comes down. I am not attacking you. I am listening. It introduces reasonableness to our conversation and without even noticing it, we are talking, without yelling or threatening.
Ron asked “Can they can tell on the phone if you respect them?” Oh yes,” he replied. “If they feel disrespected, they’ll kill a hostage. It’s as if they are saying, if you don’t respect me, at least you’ll fear me. Now let’s talk.”
McMillan continued “Here is a hostage negotiator who could give someone his respect regardless of their actions, almost in spite of their behavior. This is amazing! I always thought respect is something you had to earn. But, in fact giving someone your respect is something you can choose to give, regardless of their words or actions.
He said, “One of the most important things we learned in our research is if you can make it safe for the other person to talk with you, they almost always will. Make it safe enough, you can talk with almost anyone about almost anything. There are two conditions that make it safe to talk. If both are present in a large degree the other person will feel very safe. If these conditions only exist to a small degree there is very little safety. If either condition is missing there will be no safety and constructive conversation is unlikely.”
McMillan shared, “The two conditions that make it safe to talk are Mutual Respect and Mutual Purpose. The hostage negotiator taught us the importance of Mutual Respect. Always choose to be respectful. Mutual respect doesn’t require you to love the other person or even want them to be your best buddy. You don’t have to agree with them, but you do have to show respect to them so you can have an effective conversation.
Mutual Purpose means we both want the same thing. This reduces conflict. There’s no need to do battle with me if I am helping you to get what you want. Creating Mutual Purpose begins by honestly answering this question: What do I really want?
He said, “Crucial conversations work best when our intention is this: ‘I want to understand why you think that way. I want to understand why you did what you did. I want you to understand why I feel the way I do. I want to see if we can come up with some resolution. When those things are in your mind, you automatically check yourself. You put the brake on before you say hurtful words.’”
Having respectfully listened and checked your understanding, you have earned the right to be understood and created the respectful conditions that make it more likely they will listen to you.
I don’t think people realize how difficult it is to watch the conditions of respect and civility erode right in front of you. Like you, most choose to stay out of it—and it’s not usually a case of bystander apathy. Usually, these are well-intentioned individuals who suffer from bystander agony. They’d like to step in and stop the mayhem, but just aren’t sure how to do so. It turns out, it’s only slightly more painful to be involved directly in a conflict than to watch it happen.