When you start looking at life through the lens of a 3-year-old, it's like your whole filter changes. Everything you look at is like a painting that's been restored. Everything is alive again, because you just don't take it for granted.
There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not his equal obligation. The tasks which come with parenthood, which many consider to be below other tasks, are simply above them.
When our sons were growing up, they enjoyed a very broad tolerance from their father toward their mischief and mistakes. But there was no tolerance for even the slightest disrespect toward their mother. And the question our daughters-in-law have heard most often from me has been, “Is he being good to you?”
Studies show—and stories of children affirm—that there are three key pieces of emotional nutrition our kids need to thrive: the love of their mother, the love of their father, and stability. When one of these three elements is missing, children can be emotionally malnourished. Wanting the love of your mother and father is not a social construct. It is a deep, primal, soul-level need.
Drill down into any social ill and you’ll see that children from broken families are over-represented in every single risk category. From drug abuse to suicide, incarceration to homelessness, children that are emotionally starving for love and a relationship with their mother and father contribute to our most pressing social issues. 71% of pregnant teens are fatherless. 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes—5 times the average. 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes—32 times the average. 47% of children living in poverty are fatherless—4 times higher than children with married parents. We put billions of dollars into social programs that seek to band-aid the gaping wound left by family break-down, and still our children are floundering. Why? Because the government cannot love a child.
The principle that priesthood authority can be exercised only under the direction of the one who holds the keys for that function is fundamental in the Church, but this does not apply in the family. For example, a father presides and exercises the priesthood in his family by the authority of the priesthood he holds. He has no need to have the direction or approval of one holding priesthood keys in order to perform his various family functions. These include counseling the members of his family, holding family meetings, giving priesthood blessings to his wife and children, or giving healing blessings to family members or others.3 Church authorities teach family members but do not direct the exercise of priesthood authority in the family. The same principle applies when a father is absent and a mother is the family leader. She presides in her home and is instrumental in bringing the power and blessings of the priesthood into her family through her endowment and sealing in the temple. While she is not authorized to give the priesthood blessings that can be given only by a person holding a certain office in the priesthood, she can perform all of the other functions of family leadership. In doing so, she exercises the power of the priesthood for the benefit of the children over whom she presides in her position of leadership in the family.4 If fathers would magnify their priesthood in their own family, it would further the mission of the Church as much as anything else they might do. Fathers who hold the Melchizedek Priesthood should exercise their authority 'by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned' (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41). That high standard for the exercise of all priesthood authority is most important in the family. Holders of the priesthood should also keep the commandments so they will have the power of the priesthood to give blessings to their family members. They should cultivate loving family relationships so that family members will want to ask them for blessings. And parents should encourage more priesthood blessings in the family.5
Children need the emotional and personal strength that come from being raised by two parents who are united in their marriage and their goals. As one who was raised by a widowed mother, I know firsthand that this cannot always be achieved, but it is the ideal to be sought whenever possible.
You will miss one of the deepest joys of this life and eternity if you willfully avoid the responsibilities of parenthood and home-building.
“When you go to earth, children, remember that once you are a parent you will always be a parent. Whether it be a grandparent, a great-grandparent, or a parent as I am. Your responsibilities to preside go on through the generations to assist in turning the hearts of the children to their fathers. Resist the temptation to be uninvolved, retiring from your family and doing your own thing. As grandparents, your wisdom and vision will allow you to draw together your whole family which I, the Lord, have given you.” (See Mosiah 2:5.)
Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life’s most satisfying compensation.
Earn the respect and confidence of your children through your loving relationship with them.
In my work as a family therapist, I have seen the good results that come to families who have learned to lovingly give gifts of time rather than gifts of substance.
In the functional family, the parents are very aware of the impact that they have on their children. Think of your children as a human blackboard. It is like they are standing in front of you, holding up their little personal blackboard, and saying to you 'write on it what you think of me', or 'write on it what you would like me to think of myself.' This is so powerful. You can have such an impact on your children by what you write on their blackboard.
As any parent can testify, the pain associated with our mistakes is not simply the fear of our own punishment but the fear that we may have limited our children’s joy or in some way hindered them from seeing and understanding the truth. The glorious promise of the Savior’s atoning sacrifice is that as far as our mistakes as parents are concerned, He holds our children blameless and promises healing for them.30 And even when they have sinned against the light—as we all do—His arm of mercy is outstretched,31 and He will redeem them if they will but look to Him and live.32
Lehi then stated, “I beckoned unto them; and I also did say unto them with a loud voice that they should come unto me, and partake of the fruit.”16 Please note that Lehi did not leave the tree of life. He stayed spiritually with the Lord and invited his family to come where he was to partake of the fruit. The adversary would entice some to leave the joy of the gospel by separating Christ’s teachings from His Church. He would have us believe that we can stay firmly on the covenant path on our own, through our own spirituality, independent of His Church. In these latter days, Christ’s Church was restored in order to help Christ’s covenant children stay on His covenant path.
Child-rearing research suggests that a “free-range childhood” fuels a sense of confidence and independence that can lead to superior accomplishment later in life. More than a few scholars are now suggesting that if you want your offspring to truly excel as adults, retire the helicopter—or at least give it a rest.
Countless ages of premortal obedience and righteous living determine our children’s mortal placement, which, beyond every other consideration, is meant to reward them and to magnify their opportunity to advance toward exaltation. Even the difficulties they experience can serve to save and exalt them.
If Heavenly Father’s house is a house of order, if God organizes all the stars in heaven to follow precise orbits so that they might stand “for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and for years,” if He forms every creation to exist delicately in a balanced ecosystem, if by design He places all truth and intelligence into specified spheres so that they might act for themselves - why would God leave the placement of his children to chance?
I feel blessed to have a worthy father who can provide priesthood blessings whenever I need them and who helps me to see my strengths and eternal potential, just as Lehi did when he blessed his children.
Salmon do the same thing...The young of the species are not conditioned to live in the completer world of their parents. Having developed sufficiently, they then enter that world. Later they breed. The fertilized eggs are buried in the sand, far up the river, where later they hatch.
We safeguard our children until the time they can safeguard themselves.
As our children grow, they need information taught by parents more directly and plainly about what is and is not appropriate. Parents need to teach children to avoid any pornographic photographs or stories. Children and youth need to know from parents that pornography of any kind is a tool of the devil; and if anyone flirts with it, it has the power to addict, dull, and even destroy the human spirit.
All are free to choose, of course, and we would not have it otherwise. Unfortunately, however, when some choose slackness, they are choosing not only for themselves, but for the next generation and the next. Small equivocations in parents can produce large deviations in their children! Earlier generations in a family may have reflected dedication, while some in the current generation evidence equivocation. Sadly, in the next, some may choose dissension as erosion takes its toll.
When parents deliberately plan their standards and teach their children skills for good communication and proper respect, then their lives become simple. They avoid the emotional complexity of tantrums and the need to constantly repair damaged relationships.
Deliberate parents make family standards for their family to follow. A clearly defined family standard eliminates many conflicts before they even start.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
It's better to prepare the child for the road than the road for the child.
In addition, you may help some youth who are in conflict with parents over things that are relatively unimportant.24 At a time when young people seem to have maximum conflict with their parents, the person who presides over their quorum and to whom they answer ecclesiastically is also the person to whom their parents go for temple recommends. This puts the bishop in a unique position to counsel both the youth and their parents when contention has created a division.
As you center your home on the Savior, it will naturally become a refuge not only to your own family but also to friends who live in more difficult circumstances. They will be drawn to the serenity they feel there. Welcome such friends into your home. They will blossom in that Christ-centered environment. Become friends with your children’s friends. Be a worthy example to them.
In reality, we are raising our children in enemy-occupied territory. The homes of our members must become the primary sanctuaries of our faith, where each can be safe from the sins of the world.
If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly.
Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.
Speaking of this affluence, one youngster said: "Kids are caught between the values given them as desirable by their churches, schools, and parents on one hand and on the other the spectacle of mothers and fathers both working with great concentration to get 'things.'"