In the absence of counsel and correction we are left to learn in isolation—and isolation can be such a poor friend. Learning, in solo, is often retarded greatly by our pride. Even when we see that what we have done is wrong, it is difficult for us to adjust when left alone. Others can be very helpful to us in this process of making our regret productive.
For example, people who feel isolated tend to have a heightened awareness of social threats – such as saying the wrong thing. They can easily fall into the trap of “confirmation bias”, in which they actively interpret the actions or words of others in a way that supports their negative outlook of their own status or social ability. By having low expectations of others and viewing themselves unfairly, they effectively invite people to treat them badly.
Lonely people must also run the gauntlet of an impaired ability to regulate their own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. This skill is critical to the ability to comply with social norms, and involves constantly analysing and modifying your behaviour in relation to other people’s expectations. Alarmingly, this process is usually automatic – and your capacity for self-regulation can be affected without you even noticing. In this way, isolation can become a self-fulfilling prophecy known as “the loneliness loop”. It can lead to a toxic combination of low self-esteem, hostility, stress, pessimism and social anxiety – ultimately culminating in the isolated person distancing themselves from others even further. In a worst case scenario, loneliness can make people depressed, and a common symptom of depression is social withdrawal – again, not helpful.