If you are ever called upon to chasten a person, never chasten beyond the balm you have within you to bind up.
Would I compel a person to be saved in the kingdom of God that chose to go to hell? No. If I had all the power of the Gods in the eternities, I would not save one soul in the kingdom of God that chose to stay out, neither will the Gods.
When you’re trying to influence people who need motivation, but not information, don’t offer more information. Instead, use questions to create a safe environment where they can explore motivations they already have.
When we see a loved one traveling down a life path that we view as destructive or harmful, it is natural that we would want to talk to them and convince them to change. That is appropriate and loving. But, it is also not within our control. We can raise the issue with caring and candor, but then we must acknowledge that others have a different perspective and may not want to change. This is when a crucial conversation becomes an influence challenge.
People are social animals and we are all influenced by the social and structural forces around us.
The big idea is that too often we have a crucial conversation with someone and think that the goal is to get them to recognize the problem so that they will change their behavior. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, it is up to us to allow them their agency and decide what kind of an influence we want to be in their lives.
Rather than push or persuade someone, highlight a gap between their attitudes and their actions, and then get them to persuade themselves.
Rather than unilaterally force a single solution on others, give people the freedom and autonomy to choose from a few options. This is one way to reduce people’s gut resistance, and again, help them persuade themselves.
Healthy influence happens when children are fundamentally convinced your only intent is to help them accomplish their own worthy goals, not to impose your own.
The most oft-squandered leadership moment is the first conversation. The purpose of this conversation is not small talk. It isn’t about making friends. It’s not about impressing them. It’s about influencing them.
Real leaders don’t “give assignments”—they ask for commitments. They understand that the initial conversation is a chance to frame the entire subsequent experience. When people make a commitment—a choice—they feel a far deeper connection to their work. When it is assigned to them—or others sell them on it—a subtle and insidious agreement is made: that the leader is responsible for their motivation. The worker is consenting to this work as a favor to the leader.
The mistake you’re making is that you continue to address content rather than pattern.
The predictor of your success is your ability to come from a place of love, courage, and curiosity.
Parents in our situation often lament their lack of influence. We wonder how we can help our loved ones “want to change.” I learned from Moroni that this is the wrong question. The right question is, “What am I doing that is keeping my child from wanting to change?” The most potent lesson Moroni offers parents is that when we stand between our child and justice, we often stand between our child and God.
No matter how uncomfortable it makes you, your primary consideration must be the effect your actions will have on the spiritual condition of your loved one.
The most important problems you and I face—as leaders, as family members, as citizens and as human beings—are influence problems.
The same principle applies to you bishops, teachers, and other leaders in the Church as you work to assist families. You don’t have to stand idly by as those over whom you have stewardship make poor moral choices. When one of our youth stands at a moral crossroad in life, almost always there is someone—a parent, a leader, a teacher—who could make a difference by intervening with love and kindness.
Why do so many struggle so hard to achieve their goals and ultimately fail? One of the most important factors in the success or failure of our efforts to change our behavior and improve our lives has to do with the friends we keep.
In order to be successful, I knew I had to create a personal network filled with successful people.
But, perhaps even more important than who you include in your network is who you exclude.
Take an honest inventory of your friends and accomplices. We are surrounded by people. Some have little or no influence on our efforts to achieve our goals. These are neutral acquaintances. Some people could help us reach our goals. These positive influences are “friends”. Some people in our social environment are “accomplices”. They help us get into trouble. They help us fail to become the person we want to be. Make a list of the people in your life and identify which of these categories most correctly describe the influence they are likely to have on your efforts to succeed.
Remove yourself from the influence of those who could cause you to fail.
Your success in achieving New Year’s resolutions has less to do with your personal willpower and more to do with controlling the sources of influence that push you toward success or failure. The people in your life are often your most important source of influence.
Jesus changed men. He changed their habits, their opinions, their ambitions. He changed their tempers, their dispositions, their natures. He changed men's hearts. The passage of time has not altered the capacity of the Redeemer to change men's lives. As He said to the dead Lazarus, so He says to you and me: "Come forth." (John 11:43.) Come forth from the despair of doubt. Come forth from the sorrow of sin. Come forth from the death of disbelief. Come forth to a newness of life. Come forth.
The gate of history swings on small hinges.
If you are ever called upon to chasten a person, never chasten beyond the balm you have within you to bind up.