When you joke about a kid’s problem, you’re hoping to show that the problem isn’t serious. But the danger is that you could instead show that you’re not capable of dealing with their problems in a serious way.
Vote early and vote often.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Wit is educated insolence.
The gods too are fond of a joke.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
Our 5-year-old son came home from Primary one day singing "Keep the Commandments." We overheard him sing, "Keep the commandments, keep the commandments, unless there is safety, unless there is peace."
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Now they call me ugly and poor.
What do you take me for, an idiot? (General Charles de Gaulle when a journalist asked him if he was happy)
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
In the end, everything is a gag.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
The neurotic who learns to laugh at himself may be on the way to self-management, perhaps to cure.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
The world needs more of this dauntless spirit of laughter. Laughter is more disconcerting than a whole dictionary of abuse.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Be nice to people on your way up because you might meet 'em on your way back down.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Put all your eggs in the one basket and WATCH THAT BASKET.
There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me. I always feel that they have not said enough.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet, steady, loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Always do right. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.
Noise means nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.
There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it.
Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.
There are several good protections against temptations but the surest is cowardice.
Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money of them.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed.
This is no time to be flitting about the earth. I must cease from the activities proper to youth and begin to take on the dignities and gravities and inertia proper to that season of honorable senility which is on its way.
The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations and resentments flit away and a sunny spirit takes their place. --Mark Twain
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.
The new American dream is not owning your own home. The new American dream is getting your kids out of the home you own.
The visual message which professes to be profound or elegant often boomerangs as mere pretension; and the frame of mind that looks at humor as trivial and flighty mistakes the shadow for the substance. In short, the notion that the humorous approach to visual communication is undignified or belittling is sheer nonsense.
People who don’t have a sense of humor really have serious problems.
Want to have a short phone call with someone? Call them at 11:55am right before lunch. They'll talk fast. You may think you are interesting but you are not more interesting than lunch.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
You'd be surprised how much being a good actor pays off.
Honey, I forgot to duck.
Yes, because for many years I was a Democrat.
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, then say the opposite.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
It is well known that humor, more than anything else in the human make-up, can afford an aloofness and an ability to rise above any situation, even if only for a few seconds.
The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of trick learned while mastering the art of living.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
Nothing in the world is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.