Funny Quotes - 84 quotes

Humor is the quality of being amusing or funny, expressed through literature, speech, or other forms of communication. It can be a source of entertainment, a way to cope with difficult situations, or a means to form social bonds. Humor is a fascinating and multifaceted concept. Humor can take many f... show more

 My favorite thing is when you go ever to someone's house and you're fat. They overcompensate. Oh, come on in Louie and sit down on this concrete sofa, or the re-enforced steel lawn furniture. You know what I do, head right for that wicker.
- Louie Anderson
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 People say Louie why do you do those fat jokes? Cuz if I didn't you guys would sit out there and go "Do you think he knows he's that big?" Like I woke up one morning "Oh no! Honey, get in here.
- Louie Anderson
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 I am from Minnesota. Any Minnesotans here? Could I get a ride home with ya? "Where would we put him?" I love Minnesota. We go back every year. It's a great outdoors state, they do a lot of camping. Of course when I go camping the bears put their food up in the trees.
- Louie Anderson
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 I can't stay long. I'm in between meals, so bear with me.
- Louie Anderson
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 I went shopping today. What's this one size fits all stuff? Being in California, being fat, trying to get into this California life. Went to the beach the other day. Every time I lay down people would push me back into the water.
- Louie Anderson
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 I tell you one thing my family taught me. I'm really glad I have a family that loves me. They taught me to think positive all the time, that's the main thing. Don't you think so in life? Positive thinking. I'm a big believer in that. I think positive even about the worst stuff, let me tell ya. Like if I read about a guy, a disgruntled employee, going back to where he used to work with a machine gun, killing everybody. I read stuff like that and think "Hey! At least they're hiring!"
- Drew Carey
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 I'll do one other quick impression. This is my impression of a man in a hurry. (tie over his shoulder) I like to have fun, if you want to have fun, and you wear a tie to work every day, here's what you do. Put a little wire in your tie, and some tape in the back like I have. So all it is a coat hanger in here, some duct tape to make it stick. And say you're driving home through a 35 mile an hour zone. And see a cop driving by 35 miles per hour. Just pull up along side him doing 34. Hey bud, how you doing? (tie over his shoulder) "I know the guy is speeding, I can't figure it out." Here's a man falling out of a building (tie over his forehead)
- Drew Carey
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 I got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it. I called my roommate and I said come here and look at this stuff. It's all an exact replica, what do you think? He said do I know you?
- Steven Wright
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 One time right in the middle of a job interview, I took out a book and I started reading. The guy said what the hell are you doing? I said let me ask you one question. If you were in a vehicle and you were travelling at the speed of light, and then you turned your lights on, would they do anything? He said I don't know. I said forget it then, I don't want to work for you.
- Steven Wright
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 I've never seen electricity. That's why I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill: sorry, haven't seen it all month.
- Steven Wright
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 It's a good apartment building to live in though, because they allow pets. I have a pony. I have a Shetland pony named Nikki. And last summer he was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All the hair was removed except for the tail. Now I rent him out to Hari Krishna family picnics.
- Steven Wright
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 Yeah, it's a small world. But I wouldn't want to paint it.
- Steven Wright
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 One time I went to the drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me 95 dollars! I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.
- Steven Wright
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 About 4 years ago...No it was yesterday. I couldn't sleep so I got up. Then I got hungry so I went down to the store that I know was open 24 hours. When I got down there, there was a guy outside locking it up. He said sorry, we're closed. I said what do you mean your closed. The sign says open 24 hours. He said, not in a row!
- Steven Wright
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 I called the wrong number today. I said hello is Joey there? And a woman answered. She said yes, yes, he is. I said can I speak to him please? She said no, he can't talk right now. He's only two months old. I said alright, I'll wait.
- Steven Wright
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 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts, but I only need them when I read, so I got flip ups. I keep them on my desk right next to my typewriter. I have the oldest typewriter in the entire world. Types in pencil.
- Steven Wright
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 Williams: I keep adjusting over here. Carson: Yeah, well, this is a nice outfit. Williams: Yeah, somewhere there is a car seat real envious. "Man, you got my car seat. Come back here with that."
- Robin Williams
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 Believe that comedy can heal you. Praise the power! And Sears had a sale, this furniture went cheap!
- Robin Williams
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 Carson: You speaking at first when you have no children? Williams: No sir. Not that I know of. None that have gone (in a child voice) "Are you Mr. Williams? Yes. You're my daddy! And you owe me, lets see by present account, eight million dollars! I'm not Mr. Williams anymore.
- Robin Williams
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 I can see it tomorrow in the National Enquirer. He's gone. We knew he'd do it. I don't know, National Enquirer though. You and I both love that magazine. You know the strange thing is, I put it in the cat box, and the cat won't go in there. You're telling me a little cat, he's sitting there, his little eyes go "Why? That'd be redundant." Carson: You got it right. Really high class paper. Williams: Yeah, "Lose weight after death. Exciting new diet!"
- Robin Williams
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 (Messing with the audience) Hello. How are you? A little bandanna. Hold on. Oh look now the people in the bank recognize you!
- Robin Williams
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 (Messing with the audience) Oh, we're just gonna work on this (woman's hair). We're gonna tease it a little.
- Robin Williams
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 It's weird. In California this summer, all the state parks caught on fire. Which is sad, because these parks are full of weed! It's bad news. It's like, even the guys fighting the fires are like laughing.
- Robin Williams
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 People always complain about their phones. They're saying like you know, I've only got two bars. Listen, I'm an alcoholic. All I've ever needed was one bar.
- Robin Williams
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 If you go to France there is no SIRI, because maybe they have their own. They have "Chéri". You go "Chéri, where is the nearest good restaurant." ... It's Paris you idiot! They're everywhere. Put down your digital device, go outside and live your life you American *******!
- Robin Williams
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 I have a new application on my phone. It's a moral GPS. It's kind of cool. "The girl you're texting is the same age as your daughter... Re-route."
- Robin Williams
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 Well, I guess the Philippine elections are today, and they should be very close. I guess he'll be going "Okay, here's one for me. And this one looks like me too!" Mr. Marcos do you have a war record? "Yes, I would like to play it for you right now." As far as a strange thing, they always ask him "basically is your whole congress, is it a puppet dictatorship? "(hand speaking like a puppet) Not at all." See, they believe you. "(hand speaking like a puppet) Easy for him to say, yes." Say the word Democracy. "(hand speaking like a puppet) Easy for you to say."
- Robin Williams
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 You have to be careful walking in West Hollywood. The police are different now. It's like "Stop! Those shoes don't go with that shirt!" Fine, fine. "Take them out, get something different. Salmon, Salmon. Put something in Salmon."
- Robin Williams
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 Yeah. I know what I look like, thanks. People just staring at me. It's OK. People laugh at me all the time cuz they say I look that guy in the back of the comic books for x-ray specs.
- Drew Carey
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 I can't believe it. I don't know if you have drive through liquor stores where you live, but I can't believe these things are legal. If you've never seen one, this is what it is. Drive-though liquor store, it's a big liquor store with the window on the side where you can just drive up and buy Jack Daniels and beer and everything while you're driving. Yeah, great idea huh! Just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. No time to stop at a real bar, I've got things to do today pal. Places to go, people to hit. I'm a busy man. Yeah, there's just not enough hours in the day to hit everybody I wanna hit. Christmas time "Up on the sidewalk, bump, bump, bump."
- Drew Carey
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 I really enjoy just bad food. Denny's has my favorite thing on the menu, it's a hot dog with cheese and bacon. Yeah, not enough nitrates in a hot dog, gotta put some bacon on top of there. For an extra dollar they'll put chili on top of the whole thing! For people who don't care anymore! I'll tell ya man, that's a power meal. Chili dog with cheese and bacon, that's power food. I don't care what you say, power meal. That's the kind of food that just marches right down your throat ya know. "Follow me boys, we're going to the heart! What is that, lettuce? Get the hell out of my way. You, chili, come with me we're going to the colon. Quick before he gets home, come on!" Quick before he gets home, not even kidding around about that part. You eat a chili dog from Denny's man it's like a race with the devil to get back to your house.
- Drew Carey
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 I've got my high school reunion coming up. I don't know if you've ever been to one of those. Don't go. It's too much pressure man. That's a lot of stress, high school reunion. You get that letter in the mail and right away you feel like you only have six months to make something of yourself! Like "come on seven!" (gambling, rolling dice) "Daddy needs to lose weight and get a new career. Come on!" I'm the only one that still looks like his graduation pictures unless I'm pretty happy. I know it's funny and everything, but I just don't think looking like this is worth that one joke.
- Drew Carey
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 I was travelling with my friend George. Some people think George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think he's weird because he has false teeth but he has braces on them.
- Steven Wright
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 Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know it until I got there and set it up. People complaining because they couldn't see the lake.
- Steven Wright
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 My friend George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
- Steven Wright
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 I'm entering the strangest sweep stakes. It's a contest you pay 50 cents, you get a little card that has a number on it. Then you go up to any stranger and you scratch a penny on his head. If the number under there matches the number you have then you win $100 dollars. I won twice. I was beat up 11 times.
- Steven Wright
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 The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
- Steven Wright
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 I'm planning a trip to Spain. So I bought an album that teaches you the language. You put the album on, you put headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day. I could only stutter in spanish.
- Steven Wright
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 I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked me if I slept good. I said no, I made a few mistakes.
- Steven Wright
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 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright
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 The police stopped me for speeding. They said don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour? I said yeah, I know. But I wasn't going to be out that long.
- Steven Wright
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 I have a 3 year old dog. I named him stay. He was a lot of fun when he was a puppy cuz when I called him, I'd say "Come here stay. Come here stay." And he'd go (start, stop start, stop)
- Steven Wright
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 I live in an apartment building, everybody who lives in the building is absolutely insane. The man who lives above me designed synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The woman lives beside me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said give me all the money in the vault or I'll mark down everything in the store.
- Steven Wright
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 Carson: Some very, very, funny observations. Do you come from a normal, uh family? In the sense, I mean mother and father, one of each? Wright: In a way. Height-wise.
- Steven Wright
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 I like it here. I have a new girlfriend. She's 3. I met her in Toys R' Us.
- Steven Wright
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 The stones. I love the stones. I can't believe they're still doing it after all these years. I watch em whenever I can. Fred and Barney.
- Steven Wright
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 Whenever I see a Dalmatian I say what number are you?
- Steven Wright
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 I took a lie detector test. No I didn't.
- Steven Wright
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 I'm living on a one-way, dead-end street. I don't know how I ever got there.
- Steven Wright
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 I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a sky light. The people living above me are furious.
- Steven Wright
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 I've been making wine at home, but I make it out of raisins so it will be aged automatically.
- Steven Wright
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 (Waterglass joke)
- Steven Wright
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 Friend of mine is in jail for counterfeit pennies. It's minimum security. He's on a whiffle ball and chain. You know how they caught him? He had the head and the tail on the wrong side.
- Steven Wright
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 Another friend of mine does voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'd just be walking down the street and all of the sudden "Oh...That's much better!"
- Steven Wright
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 Hermits have no peer pressure.
- Steven Wright
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 Whenever I think about the past it just brings up so many memories.
- Steven Wright
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 There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright
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 What's another work for "thesaurus"?
- Steven Wright
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 I'm kind of tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
- Steven Wright
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 The only reason I exist is so my shadow will have something to do. Tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't because my arm kept moving. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.
- Steven Wright
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 One time I was walking through the woods and I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. I said don't be so sarcastic.
- Steven Wright
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 I have all the erasures to all of the miniature golf pencils in the world.
- Steven Wright
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 I was driving down the street past a sign that said "next rest area 25 miles". I said "Wow! That's pretty big! People must get really tired around here."
- Steven Wright
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 Tinsel is really snake mirrors. I always carry a little bit of tinsel with me when I walk through the woods in case I come across a snake. Even snakes are afraid of snakes. Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests. My father used to tell me that when he put me to bed at night. "Snakes have no arms, that's why they don't wear vests... Good night."
- Steven Wright
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 Five years old, watching TV. "Only you can prevent forest fires!" (points at himself surprised). Oh no!. Every night, out the window with a bucket of water. Stephen, why are you so tired all the time? "I'm preventing forest fires."
- Steven Wright
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 What a nice night for an evening, uh? First thing I said to my girlfriend in 7th grade, what a nice night for an evening. She looked at me like I was crazy. We were on the same bus together for 7 years. I asked her if she lives in the area? Went over to pick her up at her house, her father said I want her home by 8:15. I said middle of August, that's cool.
- Steven Wright
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 1966 I'm in little league, I'm on first. I steal 3rd. I went straight across. Earlier that week I learnt that the shortest distance between two points is a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. I told the umpire 2nd base was out of my way.
- Steven Wright
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 You think when they asked George Washington for his ID he pulled out a quarter?
- Steven Wright
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 I used to get really upset when I told people where I came from, down in Los Angeles, because I always got the same response: "Canada! Wow! Must have been cold." Now I just go along with them. "Yes, Canada. It was a frozen hostile wasteland. And there was much work to be done if we were to survive the elements. After boring a hole through the ice to find food, my good friend Nantuk and I would build an igloo to protect ourselves from polar bears and flying hockey pucks. Then we would drink a lot of beer. And when Nantuk was ready, he would tell me the story of the great Moose who said to the little squirrel, Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat."
- Jim Carrey
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 See, madness is never that far away. It's as close as saying yes to the wrong impulse. The people who stay sane are those who can make the quick decisions. "Should I stick my fingers into the fan, or leave right now? Should I run the blade of this razor across my tongue, or just finish shaving and move away from the sink?" But you don't because luckily, most of us have that little voice inside of our head that says "uh, uh, uhhh. Turning the car into oncoming traffic is counter-productive." Imagine if we didn't have that voice. Man, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be in the shark tank at sea world.
- Jim Carrey
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 We had the honeymoon suite at Notre Dame. Come up here we go right now (playing a hunchback). Don't be afraid. If you need anything just right the bell.
- Robin Williams
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 Restaurants in Paris are wonderful. I went to a tiny little restaurant, had five tables. At one of the tables there were two couples and a cat sitting eating dinner. Even the cat is going "try the mouse, it's fabulous." It's crazy, and then at the end of the meal (cough up a furball)... Again.
- Robin Williams
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 Craig Ferguson: Well, see, everybody thinks they're funny. Though. Everybody thinks they have got a sense of humor. That's the problem. Even people that don't have a sense of humor they go "that's not funny". You go "Yes it's funny." Robin Williams: No, no, no. Craig Ferguson: I know funny, I'm German. Robin Williams: "Knock, knock"... We ask the questions!
- Robin Williams
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 I love it when you get off the plane in London. The English paparazzi are always there going "Wobin. Hello Wobin." I go "When did Elmer Fudd land here!"
- Robin Williams
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 Is there a thing like a positive Tourette's? I know sometimes in the negative traits like the people say things like ****. Yeah but is there a positive Tourette's where someone goes like (shouting) "Those pants are slimming! Your eyes are amazing! You're very attractive!"
- Robin Williams
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 When Thanksgiving is coming up, do you think that's the rapture for turkeys? That every year they go "Get ready! Some of us are leaving." And then the ones that don't get taken up are are like "ahhhgg. goble goble".
- Robin Williams
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 It started early. When I saw On Golden Pond when I was a kid, I walked out of the theater and I was like "You want me to pick strawberries?" I was like, I didn't know why I was doing it. I saw myself in a shop window and I went "Wow! That's his face." But it came from the inside.
- Jim Carrey
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 If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.

- Jim Carrey

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 And if he (Ollie North) did do time, if he ever went away, he'd go away to some designer prison. Some Club Fed. All of the sudden the lights dim "Rhiona's getting electrolysis! You call this quiche warden? This is al dente!"

- Robin Williams

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 Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

- Drew carey

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 I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.

- Drew carey

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 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

- Jack Benny

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 There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'

- Jim Carrey

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 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- Lana Turner

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