When you've gone to silence because you're afraid you're not skilled enough to have an accountability conversation, your assessment may be correct. If this is the case, enhance your skills. … When you're thinking about going to silence, ask yourself if you're copping out rather than making a reasoned choice.
Tell-tell signs that you should be speaking and not clamming up include the following four: Sign 1: You're acting out your feelings. You think you are suffering silently, but you're not. Sign 2: Your conscience is nagging you. Sign 3: You're downplaying the cost of not taking action, while exaggerating the dangers of speaking up. Sign 4: You figure that nothing you do will help.
I realized that everyone knew what was going on, but no one was willing to talk about it.
People shut down dialogue when it either seems pointless or scary.
The best way to help people feel safe is to make the undiscussable discussable.
You have to be impressed by individuals who routinely take part in highly charged conversations and yet still find a way to remain on topic and respectful.
Regardless of why you believe verbal abuse is called for, when considering how much to deliver, consider also this guideline: verbally abuse others exactly as much as you personally like to be abused. It’s the perfect amount.
My understanding started to expand as I realized that the biggest benefit of my Crucial Conversations skills across many different types of interactions was that they helped me to not become part of the problem... Just because you’re engaging in dialogue doesn’t mean the resulting decisions have to be consensus. You always have options to escalate, or even terminate, interactions. When you’re in a position where you believe your safety (psychological or physical) is purposefully being threatened, it’s appropriate to disengage. And you can use your Crucial Conversations skills to do so respectfully.
I realized even when others’ motives are bad and directed at me, I can still choose to respond in a productive, positive way. I don’t have to be a victim; I can simply choose to get out of the line of fire.