Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases.
Simple and frequent dates allow both men and women to “shop around” in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out.
Young women, resist too much hanging out, and encourage dates that are simple, inexpensive, and frequent. Don’t make it easy for young men to hang out in a setting where you women provide the food. Don’t subsidize freeloaders. An occasional group activity is OK, but when you see men who make hanging out their primary interaction with the opposite sex, I think you should lock the pantry and bolt the front door.
To make an emotional connection, it seems like we need to learn about the other person, who they are, their thoughts and feelings, their hopes and fears, their dreams and goals. It seems like we need to see each other not only in one-on-one situations, but how they interact with others, with family, with friends.
One YSA bishop gave three rules to newly engaged couples: 1) only two kisses a day, hello and goodbye, 2) only side hugs, and 3) be home by 11 pm. President Gordon B. Hinckley said that nothing good happens after 11. This bishop wanted the couples to spend more time talking and planning for their future together and to be worthy when they entered the temple.
However, that does not let men escape their responsibility. Elder Oaks further stated, “Men, if you have returned from your mission and you are still following the boy-girl patterns you were counseled to follow when you were 15, it is time for you to grow up. Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with. Start with a variety of dates with a variety of young women, and when that phase yields a good prospect, proceed to courtship. It’s marriage time. That is what the Lord intends for His young adult sons and daughters. Men have the initiative, and you men should get on with it.”
By contrast, I met another young lady who went through a devastating break-up. Break-ups are hard. Afterward there is usually a grieving period almost like when someone passes away. There is grieving and healing and recovering and finding the resilience to risk becoming vulnerable again and to enter into another dating relationship. It is worth the risk! But within a week after the break-up, this young lady went out to a movie with another guy, and they had a “make-out session.” She admitted she needed a boost to her self-esteem. There was no emotional connection, she just needed to feel good about herself. And that few minutes of passionate kissing felt good. But it was counterfeit; it didn’t really mean anything without an emotional connection. She realized that and she did not date him again. She moved on to another guy. After three weeks, they announced on Facebook that they were a committed couple. Is three weeks enough to establish the kind of emotional connection that leads to commitment?
The Greek word for romantic love is Eros. For over 30 years, psychologist Dr. Tom Selby has used EROS as an acronym for creating and maintaining healthy romantic relationships: Emotional connection, ROmance, and Sexual intimacy. The foundation is the emotional connection. Then comes romance and finally, sexual intimacy. As faithful Latter-Day Saints, sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage. So if we feel connected emotionally, mentally, spiritually, then we have the gift given to us from the Lord to manifest that connection by literally joining together as one.
But when it is okay with both individuals, it seems like there are four main reasons people kiss. FUN. Some people kiss for fun. It feels good. Generally, for men, it feels good because it quickly becomes physically stimulating. Unfortunately, too many men get involved in recreational kissing…kissing just because it is fun without recognizing that women are starting to get emotionally attached. EMOTIONS. For women, it often is tied to their sense that this relationship is beginning to have a healthy emotional connection. So they give their permission to kiss because it feels good in their heart, not just on their lips. SELF-ESTEEM. Some people kiss because it makes them feel good about themselves. Somebody likes them enough, accepts them enough, to kiss them. Often in this case, it might not matter so much who the other person is, just that someone accepts me now! FUTURE. And, finally, probably the best reason to kiss is this means something as a potential eternal companion. It is more than just fun, it is more than feeling good about myself, it is being committed to a future with someone I am connected to and kissing shows that.
In a sense, searching for a mate is not so different from hunting for a job. Jobs, like prospective partners, have their strengths and weaknesses, which makes finding the right one a matter of complicated trade-offs. Such exchanges are different from other transactions, in that both parties must be enthusiastic about the match for it to happen. A supermarket, in contrast, does not particularly care whose wallet it is draining, nor does the power company agonize about whether a customer is worthy of its watts.