"When we fail to give needed correction or counsel, it’s because we’re thinking of ourselves. We normally think, 'Well, you know, I don’t want to hurt this person’s feelings.' No, that’s really not true; you just want to be liked. And the reason I’m not going to tell you what really needs to be said is because I don’t want to be viewed negatively or fall into disfavor."
Though you give no countenance to the complaints of the querulous, yet take care to curb the insolence and ill nature of the injurious. When you observe it yourself, reprove it before the injur'd party: but if the complaint be of something really worth your notice, and prevention another time, then reprove the offender by himself alone, out of sight of him who complain'd...
Our capacity to grow and to assist each other depends very much upon our being "willing to communicate." (1 Timothy 6:18) Communication includes proper measures of counsel, correction, and commendation. Since we depend upon each other to supply these ingredients in our lives, our insensitivity in communicating can be far more damaging than we realize. When we "pass by" others and "notice them not," a degree of deprivation occurs. (Mormon 8:39.) One of the ways, therefore, we will be "proved herewith" is our determination as to whether or not we love others enough to give and to receive such vital communications. We may quickly say that communicating thusly with those close to us is difficult; indeed, it is, but with whom else is it really possible? Are not the people proximate to us our tiny portion of humanity, given to us by God as our social stewardship? We can scarcely attain that attribute of sainthood—being "full of love" (Mosiah 3:19)—unless we are willing to communicate by giving and receiving appropriate counsel, correction, and commendation.
Yes, one of the great challenges of life is for us not to give justifiable offense, nor to be offended. This can be more easily avoided if our brotherhood and sisterhood are real—and if we are willing to communicate, including the difficult giving and receiving of counsel, correction, and commendation. Helping relationships always involve some weighty communications. The true Christian is a communicator.
It is so easy to pass by, especially when we are busy and when we are on the equivalent of the other side of the street. We are busy being busy. We are often actually less generous with our time than with our money. We keep forgetting where our time comes from!
Corrective counsel is facilitated when there is shared expectation that it will be given.
If we truly care about giving counsel and correction, in addition to taking the time to ponder beforehand the content and substance, we will make certain that our voice tone, bodily posture, and facial expression "are all enlisted," so that the moment draws the best out of us, in order to have the best chance of completing the communication circuit. Timing is often as crucial as content.
We ought to build a climate around us in which we are, in all situations, open to the comments of others. We should not make it too expensive emotionally for others to try to communicate with us. If it is too hard to do so, people will just pull back. If we are too well protected and too well defended, they are not going to extend themselves overmuch in an effort to communicate with us. It is difficult to say which is most dangerous—the mote in one's eye or the moat around his "castle" that keeps out the needed communications, involving correction, counsel, or commendation.
Perhaps our difficulties with receiving justified reproof stem from our thinking of love as being all sweetness. Love surely includes sweetness. But love must sometimes be tough love, sinew as well as sweetness. So it is with loving communication also.
Our self-esteem is stretched, however, only as we are stretched, and true humility includes believing in and exploring our own possibilities.
Besides, a neighbor is apt to hold to a view all the more until he has a chance to explain it. Counsel is more apt to be received after listening has occurred.
In the absence of counsel and correction we are left to learn in isolation—and isolation can be such a poor friend. Learning, in solo, is often retarded greatly by our pride. Even when we see that what we have done is wrong, it is difficult for us to adjust when left alone. Others can be very helpful to us in this process of making our regret productive.
Sometimes we need not declaim the actions of others so much as remind them of who they are and what they should be. Corrective communication, when inspired, can help us to face the facts about ourselves. This, in turn, can help us to face God by asking for His help in the changing of ourselves.
For instance, if one is impatient and patience is a requirement for sainthood, the Lord appears willing to have tribulation visited upon such so that he may learn patience—because it is a virtue that seems to be acquired in only one way. (See Mosiah 3:19; James 5:11; Romans 5:3; Romans 12:12; Mosiah 23:21; D&C 66:9; D&C 31:9.) Correcting circumstances, therefore, can be a form of divine communication to us
Paul, who suffered much, observed that "our light affliction . . . is but for a moment." (2 Corinthians 4:17.) The Prophet Joseph was told that his afflictions would be "but a small moment." (D&C 121:7.) Learning by correcting circumstances is apparently a process not to be hurried.
It is only natural when confronting a problem that we try to correct it. Trouble is, when working with people, this hardly ever helps. Further correction rarely helps a child who is pouting, for example, or a spouse who is brooding, or a coworker who is blaming. In other words, most problems in life are not solved merely by correction.
In fact when I let people go on hurting themselves and others without making the effort to help them to change, it is rarely because I am seeing them as a person.
If I am correcting and correcting but problems remain, that is a clue that the solution to the problem I am facing will not be found in further correction.
"When we fail to give needed correction or counsel, it’s because we’re thinking of ourselves. We normally think, 'Well, you know, I don’t want to hurt this person’s feelings.' No, that’s really not true; you just want to be liked. And the reason I’m not going to tell you what really needs to be said is because I don’t want to be viewed negatively or fall into disfavor."