Walt Mossberg: And are people willing to tell you that you are wrong? Steve Jobs: Uh, yeah. Walt Mossberg: I mean other than snarky journalists. I mean people that work for you? Steve Jobs: Oh Yeah! No we have wonderful arguments. Walt Mossberg: And do you win them all? Steve Jobs: Oh no. I wish I did. See you can't. If you want to hire great people and have them stay working for you, you have to let them make a lot of decisions and you have to be run by ideas. Not hierarchy. The best ideas have to win. Otherwise good people don't stay.
We must contemplate some extremely unpleasant possibilities, just because we want to avoid them.
So the little prince, in spite of all the good will that was inseparable from his love, had soon come to doubt her. He had taken seriously words which were without importance, and it made him very unhappy.
34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
It's easy to fall into the trap of telling people what they ought to do. Before we know it, we're giving sermons and lectures to people who haven't asked for our advice. Consider using the communication tool called Motivational Interviewing. The goal of this tool is to help other people explore the pluses and minuses of their choices—instead of telling them what you think they should do.
When we stop expecting people to share their meaning perfectly, we see their poorly delivered messages as a lack of skill rather than poor intent. This reduces our defensiveness because suddenly it’s not about me anymore, but about them.
As you feel yourself getting defensive, step back and create safety for yourself by challenging your perception of the other person’s intent.
...every wise man desires a knowledge of the power of his enemy.
The truth is something that burns—it burns off deadwood, and people don't like having their deadwood burnt off, often because they're 95% deadwood.
And I think maybe among agreeable people, if you don't go along with the agreeable game you are much more likely to be categorized as a predator.
...your ability to handle moments of conflict has a massive impact on your success. How you handle conflict determines the amount of trust, respect, and connection you have with your colleagues.
One of the most common mistakes in crucial conversations is talking about the wrong thing.
Sometimes you have to fight. Where that's true, you should fight and win. There is no middle ground: either don't throw any punches, or strike hard and end it quickly.
It is appropriate to disagree, but it is not appropriate to be disagreeable.
Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with conflict by peaceful means.
Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you.
I ask no favor for my sex. All I ask of our brethren is that they take their feet off our necks.
While you may benefit from having a conversation and trying to resolve conflict or find closure, it is reasonable to assume that others, at times, will weigh the benefits and risks of talking and determine that moving on, without talking, is less risky and more beneficial. This can be incredibly difficult to accept when we find ourselves on the side of conflict that wants to work things out or find closure.
When you let go of expectations for how or whether the other person shows up, you are free to better contemplate how you want to show up.
Remembering what it’s like to not want to communicate may help you empathize with the person who doesn’t want to communicate with you.
Finally, reflect on your relationship and see if you can identify anything you’ve said or done that may have influenced the other to retreat and refuse your requests, which seems inevitable given your estrangement. The easier story to tell ourselves in such situations is that the other person has given up on communication, that we are the noble and willing party, while the other is ignoble and unwilling. But there are more generous—and probably more accurate—interpretations of what’s going on inside the other person.
Humility offers your best chance of restoring a sense of safety.
If you have hurts that you need to share, hold onto them for a while. Don’t risk safety before it has stabilized.
Restoring safety in personal relationships that have been strained to the point of silence and separation is rarely linear or predictable, and certainly not guaranteed. You likely have a circuitous and arduous path ahead. But, like many challenging paths in life, it can be richly rewarding and worth the work.
We experience conflict when we perceive a threat to our sense of self or our values. In other words, conflict reveals values.
The key to managing ... conflict in the moment is in the understanding of the motives and emotions that people are experiencing during the conflict.
But the key to getting past that and truly resolving conflict is in understanding what triggered the conflict in the first place. Conflict triggers reveal what matters to us – and we are most often triggered when something goes against our values. This is why we say that conflict can reveal values. We only go into conflict about things that are important to us.
So often, our efforts fall short because we deliver our solution at the wrong time. We miss, or misinterpret, when the teachable moment is.
Most wars between individuals are of the 'cold' rather than the 'hot' variety - lingering resentment, for example, grudges long held, resources clutched to rather than shared, help not offered. These are the acts of war that most threaten our homes and workplaces.
People want solutions. But notice that the preferred solution in each case is that others change. Should we be surprised, then, when conflicts linger and problems remain?
But not all weapons are aimed at the flesh. Look around. Home and workplace casualties are everywhere. Bitterness, envy, indifference, resentment - these are the hallmarks of the hot and cold wars that fester in the hearts of family members, neighbors, colleagues, and former friends the world over.
People whose hearts are at war toward others can't consider other's objections and challenges enough to be able to find a way through them.
Conflict is growth trying to happen.
Walt Mossberg: And are people willing to tell you that you are wrong?
Steve Jobs: Uh, yeah.
Walt Mossberg: I mean other than snarky journalists. I mean people that work for you?
Steve Jobs: Oh Yeah! No we have wonderful arguments.
Walt Mossberg: And do you win them all?
Steve Jobs: Oh no. I wish I did. See you can't. If you want to hire great people and have them stay working for you, you have to let them make a lot of decisions and you have to be run by ideas. Not hierarchy. The best ideas have to win. Otherwise good people don't stay.
Missing Reference