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Imagine that holding conversations is like flying a plane. The goal of flight is to safely get where you are going. There's a lot that goes into that process, but passengers rightfully place emphasis on the landing. A poor landing can ruin the best of experiences. When stepping up to difficult conversations we worry how the message will 'land.' How will they receive it? What will the impact be on our relationship? (Etc.)....
a good landing starts with a good approach....When building a framework for you conversation sequence, consider the following.
WHAT YOU WANT
When confronted with difficult situations, our motives...can quickly deteriorate and then our behaviors morph to match.....(Before having a difficult conversation) begin by asking yourself, 'What do I really want -'
For myself?
For (the other person in the conversation)?
For our relationship?
Notice the distinction between 'for' and 'from.' Often when we answer the question 'What do I really want?' we answer with, 'I want them to change.'...
Look beyond the short and one-sided motives. Focus more on long-term results and the relationship (with the other person). Managing your altitude (read attitude) by managing your motives can help secure a safe landing even amidst the toughest of elements....
Once your intent is right, begin the conversation by sharing your intent with (the other person). Not only will it calm any potential emotion on your end, but it will help create safety for (the other person) to join you in the conversation."
WHAT YOU SAY
The success of your conversation landing will largely depend on how you begin the conversation. Knowing your intentions and sharing them...will certainly help. But you need to make sure you share your views in a way that invites dialogue.
Begin by describing the gap between what you are expecting and what is actually happening....Then invite (the other person) into the dialogue by asking him to share his perspective. Ask him about his plans...."
WHAT YOU SAY
Gauge the situation (as the conversation progresses) by listening to (the other person) and letting his answers guide your landing.
Our tendency when listening is not to really listen at all. We often listen with the intent to respond. While others are speaking, we re crafting our next clever comment. Challenge yourself to carry on the conversation without input, anecdotes, correction, criticism, or counsel. Just keep asking clarifying questions. Just learn. One question may open the floodgates, but it may take several questions. As (the other person) shares, continue the journey by responding to his answers with questions that begin with: How will that...? What will that...?" Or why will that...?
We achieve a conversational 'safe landing' when all parties are engaged in dialogue. Dialogue is the key to finding solutions and getting results. And, with the right approach, you can strengthen your relationship in the process."— Scott Robley
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