Many times, when talking with intelligent people about strongly entrenched habits like smoking, our approach invites defensiveness....Why? Because we approach it as if the person needs more information about the negative impacts of his or her choices - the unsavory smell, coughing, emphysema, lung cancer, the list goes on. - The other person has seen the ads, and likely know the statistics. More information is not the problem....(The other person) is already well-informed. Instead, try getting him to consider an insightful question.... It’s very natural for people to resist when confronted head-on about issues that require significant effort to change. They hear your argument and treat it as an argument. That means taking a position, digging in to defend the position, and actively looking for ways to reinforce that position—which is not very conducive to an honest exploration. If you’re looking to create motivation, don’t start with sharing more information. Bill Miller pioneered an approach that focused on influential questions. He found that exploration can be more powerful in creating the conditions conducive to change than explanation. For example, lead with a question like, “I was wondering how smoking interferes with - insert (the other person's) favorite activity or even an important role he plays, like at work, for example?” - This probing question produces far less defensiveness than, “let me tell you why I wish you wouldn’t smoke.” You’re not forcing him to take the opposite position from you, and it’s directing him towards something he regularly experiences. Get him to explore the implications of his choices so he is less ambivalent about making different choices. These types of conversations are tricky and usually require a lot of love, concern, and patience.

Steve Willis