I worried about that question for years and continued to feel spiritually inferior. Then, one day in a Gospel Principles Sunday School class, a young returned missionary commented on her understanding of the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. “I think of the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost as like my relationship with my missionary companion. We are together all day every day. And I am blessed by her companionship. But we only sing a song together or share an insight every once in a while. Most of the time she is just there. Then once in a while she speaks up.” I was thunderstruck! What that young woman said made total sense. We can have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost without having constant Kirtland-Temple-angels-are-here experiences. In fact, if we are seeking to keep our covenants, we should trust that the Holy Ghost will be our constant but gentle companion—only intruding as needed.
“If all we do is stress communication skills to people without softening their hearts, we will simply make people more clever fighters.”
Consider the following contrasts: The self-esteem dogma: You cannot love anyone until you love yourself. God’s doctrine: You cannot love anyone (with full-blown charity) until you love God. The self-esteem dogma: When you love yourself, then you can be of service. God’s doctrine: When you forget yourself, then you can be of service. The self-esteem dogma: Remember your great worth. God’s doctrine: Remember God’s goodness and the great worth of all souls to the Father of All. Self-esteem is simply Satan’s attempt to clean up pride and make it respectable, even desirable. The spiritually mature recognize that the world’s version of self-esteem is dangerously close to narcissism, self-centeredness, self-righteousness, and arrogance.
Jesus simply fails as a model for the self-assured, modern man striving for self-esteem.
Mom offered her little boy green beans. He threw them on the floor and demanded candy. She described the nutritional benefits of fruits, vegetables, and proteins. She gave him a hot dog. He threw it on the floor and demanded candy. “OK then. Here’s a candy bar!” she fumed. “It’ll probably make you sick.” What did the boy learn? That’s easy. He learned that terrorism pays rich rewards. He learned that Mom will preach and cajole but there is a predictable path to getting what you want: stubborn insistence. He also learned that he is in charge of the family.
The modern logic is that we can only love others after (or as) we love ourselves. There is an alternative to that interpretation. It could be that the ancient prophets are saying: “You already spend the bulk of your attention and labor on yourself. Please direct as much concern to your neighbor as to yourself.”
Jesus Himself teaches a much higher law than loving our neighbor’s as ourselves. A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. (John 13:34-35) Jesus’ standard for disciples is NOT that we love others as we love ourselves but that we love others as He loves. What a lofty goal!
Consider the second way to test the idea of self-esteem: take Jesus as a test case. Did He have high self-esteem? When called “Good Master,” He protested: “Why callest thou me good? There is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments” (Matthew 19:17). What does it mean for us that the most righteous person who lived on this Earth deflected all praise to His Father? “Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise” (John 5:19).
The person who told me that she was “continually keeping [her] thoughts centered upon her own great self-worth” is no better off than the egoist admiring his own image in his trophies.
The instinctive response to assaults on the self-esteem movement is shock: “So, does God want us to hate ourselves?” No. The opposite of self-love is not self-hate. Self-love and self-hate are startlingly similar to each other in their manifestations. They are both different forms of self-absorption.
We are demonstrably foolish as fallen humans. But God is fully determined to provide us experience AND redeem us. “His relentless redemptiveness exceeds our recurring wrongs,” as Neal Maxwell reminded us. So, when those bitter tastes of foolishness and fallenness come to our mouths, we should swallow hard and fill our mouths with rejoicing in the One who has paid our tuition in the school of life—the One who knows that we will make abundant mistakes but whose commitment to us is infinite and eternal.
After hearing many strongly expressed answers to the happy-marriage question, the teacher observed: “There is no one key. Every relationship is different.” I disagree. There is one key. It is the willingness to see, feel, and act as Jesus would see, feel, and act. It is called charity. How do we get charity? No pep rally will get us there. No nutritional supplement can provide it. There is only one source for this precious gift. “Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God” (Moroni 7:47). We cannot create charity in ourselves. We can make ourselves humble. We can withhold impatience and judgment. We can feel compassion for others. Then we must call on God “with all the energy of heart” for the heavenly gift only He can give. Charity is the gift that changes everything, especially in marriage.
What do various expressions of anger have in common? They all say one thing: You are not following my rules for the universe.
But over time irritations accumulate. We chafe at offences. Rather than forgive offences, we merely tolerate them. As irritations continue to pile up, we complain or criticize. We may start to view our spouses with impatience and contempt. Ultimately we may withdraw from conversations or withdraw goodwill from the relationship.
Along the way we may wonder if we failed to discern fundamental flaws in our partners when we were courting. We wonder if we made poor decisions in marrying the people we did. Or we begin to demand that our partners change. Resentment grows. Contention increases. We move away from the early days of cooperation and toward selfish concerns: What about me? What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you act the way you should? Satan laughs and heaven weeps while we feel cheated.
The same message is clear in the title passage: “how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things” (Matthew 12:34-35). It is not the skill of delivery but the quality of the heart that determines the rightness of the message.
Careful communication is not the key. The most carefully crafted message will still convey irritation if it is not motivated by the right spirit—by “persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned” (D&C 121:41).
What do we do to prevent anger from taking us hostage? A little reflection will tell you what works for you. Consider the following: 1. We can keep peace and compassion in our hearts. What helps you to push nagging discontent from your soul? What brings you peace? 2. We can recognize irritation as an invitation to set aside our agenda and enter the mind and heart of the person who is irritating us. How can you program yourself to react differently to irritation? 3. We can think how we would respond to Jesus. How can you see Jesus in every person? 4. We can pray for heavenly mercy. “O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me.” Find ways to reprogram your mind and heart so that anger has no place in your soul.
I have made my own list of ten questions about our experiences with the Holy Ghost. 1. Have you ever felt unexpectedly fresh, new, and happy? 2. Have you felt lifted and overwhelmed by music? 3. Have you had flashes of insight? 4. Are there principles and passages that light you up? 5. Have you seen God show up in your life? 6. Have you felt awe at God’s creations? 7. Have you felt intrusive peace? 8. Have you ever just-trusted—and it felt good? 9. Have you felt guided? 10. Has the Spirit given you a profound love and concern for someone?
The tricky question is, how often should we be having such distinct experiences with the Holy Ghost? What does it feel like to have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost? I worried about that question for many years. I knew that I had great experiences—once in a while. But there were also vast tracts of ordinary life. If I were truly experiencing the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, would I be having a lot more flashes of insight, a lot more kindness and goodness, a lot more revelation?
When our hearts are wrong, anything we say or do is likely to hurt and offend. When our hearts are right, we will readily find the right thing to say or do.
There is no question that she should not have to resort to such tactics to get the laundry detergent brought into the house. He should promptly and cheerfully bring it in. But the natural partner is an enemy to his spouse. As fallen mortals, we all have vast gaps in our characters and performance. Those gaps are there by divine design. To bridge those gaps God invites us to cultivate wisdom and charity. Just as a soft answer turns away wrath, so a kind, inviting gesture sidesteps pointless conflict. We must show each other grace if we hope to receive it from God. That is the message of the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:23-35). Having been forgiven multi-million dollar debts to heaven, we must not begrudge each other our nickel and dime failings.
No matter how right or justified we think we are, if we lack charity, we are wrong. “And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:2). Even the greatest spiritual gifts unaccompanied by charity leave us spiritually bankrupt.
But anger is not effective. Anger does not motivate the kind of change we want. Sure, we may get compliance. The girl may push clothes into the closet and the boy may hide his thievery. But we don’t win cooperation. We don’t change hearts. Quite the opposite. We injure hearts. We create distance and resentment. It sends a message that I value you only when you do things my way.
Research clearly shows that anger is bad for our health; it multiplies our health risks. It is also bad for our relationships; it hurts and insults the people who matter most to us. Anger also makes us into fools: it narrows our thinking and shuts off our compassion. Most of us don’t do our best work when our hearts and minds are shut down and our souls are guided by reptilian responses. As a prominent researcher on anger exclaims: “Anger kills!”
Because we have automated our anger, we usually don’t recognize that anger is not a necessary reaction to any situation. It is the result of our interpretation. We may not recognize that we can actually forego anger. We can choose not to be mad. For example, we have forgiven careless words because they came from well-meaning friends. We let a person crowd into traffic because we felt gracious and maybe we liked them.
Maybe the boy was just forgetful. But when we get angry, we see only one thing: the offence. We lose the broader view that might help us understand what else is happening in the other person’s life. Instead of seeing a child who makes mistakes and faces struggles, we see an insurgent, a problem, a nuisance. We have neither understanding nor compassion for the offender.
When we tell kids how amazing they are, we make them uncomfortable. They don’t want to appear as failures so, in the future, they choose easier tasks. Praise can be disabling.
We do not have to let irritations accumulate and form ruthless gangs that will savage our love.
Self-love and self-hate are startlingly similar to each other in their manifestations. They are both different forms of self-absorption.
I worried about that question for years and continued to feel spiritually inferior. Then, one day in a Gospel Principles Sunday School class, a young returned missionary commented on her understanding of the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. “I think of the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost as like my relationship with my missionary companion. We are together all day every day. And I am blessed by her companionship. But we only sing a song together or share an insight every once in a while. Most of the time she is just there. Then once in a while she speaks up.”
I was thunderstruck! What that young woman said made total sense. We can have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost without having constant Kirtland-Temple-angels-are-here experiences. In fact, if we are seeking to keep our covenants, we should trust that the Holy Ghost will be our constant but gentle companion—only intruding as needed.
Missing Reference