The scarier a conversation seems, the more likely it is we are telling ourselves a story.
So, first, take responsibility for what you can: how you will respectfully speak your mind.
A good faith argument is one in which both parties treat each other with respect, are transparent with their motives, and have a sincere interest in communicating productively. A bad faith argument or discussion, by contrast, is one in which one or both parties are set on “winning” the disagreement or coercing the other and involves duplicity or other manipulative tactics.
Whenever we assume responsibility for another’s feelings, we struggle to speak up.
Not taking responsibility for another’s feelings does not mean to disregard their feelings. There is a difference between respecting another’s feelings and trying to manage them.
It is said that “The truth is hard to swallow,” and it may be you are struggling to hear what this person has to say. It is also said “The truth shall set you free.” So, again, focus on facts.
Paradoxically, it is only through recognizing and respecting each other as separate, individual, autonomous human beings that we can create effective and meaningful connections.
A fact is observable
These Crucial Conversations skills should help you express your viewpoint rather than withhold it. You may struggle a bit at first, and this other person may be taken back by your frankness. If you meet resistance, stay respectful. And should this person try to avoid a discussion of facts, make that the topic of conversation.
Most of our interpersonal conflicts result from failing to respect where “I” end and “You” begin.
We often behave as though others are extensions of ourselves, employing various tactics to get them to behave as we wish they would—demands, threats, putdowns, sarcasm, silence, and so on. Sometimes we do this overtly, but usually we are subtle about it.
Our particular challenge today is that we live in era of “fake news,” “alternative facts,” “disinformation,” and conspiracy theories—an era that is called “post-truth”—and yet we fight each other with facts, or what we believe are facts. This is like firing cannonballs at each other in a gravitational vacuum: the weapon has no weight. Those who watch “fake news” don’t consider their news fake, and those who believe in so-called conspiracy theories don’t think they believe in “theories.” We will not reach each other with facts unless and until we reach out to each other.
Nothing has an equivalent power to deescalate a disagreement as genuine kindness.
You won’t successfully resolve this disagreement if there are ill feelings in your heart, because whatever you are feeling you will end up expressing, whether in body language, tone, or words.
This simple formula—kindness, curiosity, common ground—will help you establish psychological safety. Once it’s clear you have safety, you can begin to disagree meaningfully.
The scarier a conversation seems, the more likely it is we are telling ourselves a story.