Influence masters deal in healthy dialogue. Here are four things they do that make it safe to speak out against the majority. First, they don’t become righteously indignant and call everyone else idiots. Instead, they maintain a more humble stance. They say something like: “Hmm, I guess I see things differently—and in this case I’m the only one.” Two, they often ask for permission to speak their opinions. “Would it be okay if I shared a different view?” Three, they speak in tentative language, leaving room for disagreement. “I wonder if this is what’s going on here.” Four, and most important, setting all of their other ways aside, they always find a way to say something that indicates they disagree. They say something. They speak up.
You have to be impressed by individuals who routinely take part in highly charged conversations and yet still find a way to remain on topic and respectful.
Developing a genuine relationship makes a huge difference in your ability to talk to others about problems.
If you don’t interact with others very often, and if you don’t talk casually and personably when you do, you typically don’t have enough of a bank account to draw upon when talking about problems.
Let me suggest that many problem-solving discussions, no matter how well done, go poorly because the existing relationship between the parties is shallow and tortured. It’s hard to talk about performance gaps when you have no relationship with the other person save for the occasional problem-solving discussion.
By becoming the self-appointed person in charge of holding the weak accountable, he had traded a relationship for a stewardship.
Granted, there are times when the person you’re dealing with is continually doing the wrong thing. You have to talk about a lot of unpleasant issues. It’s your responsibility. Nevertheless, you still have to worry about the tipping point. The more problems the person creates, the more you need to meet under different and healthier circumstances and the more you’ll have to choose your battles carefully. Otherwise, prepare to pay the price.
Problem-solving discussions are far more effective when you’ve taken time to create a social bank account. Maybe you don’t have to know the other person’s life history, but knowing more than his or her name and the problem that has brought you face-to-face can go a long way toward setting a healthy problem-solving climate.
Use your skills to work with, and not on, people.
Don’t confuse uninspired teaching with a subject being boring.
Prepare yourself for the fact that all jobs—no matter how cool sounding—require you to perform some tasks that aren’t exactly enjoyable. Be satisfied with being mostly satisfied. Rock stars sleep in buses. Park rangers deal with drunk tourists. You get the point.
Graduates, be warned. Right now someone is standing at a podium and saying: “Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” This old saw sounds clever enough, but it’s really nothing more than a useless tautology. It simply suggests that job-searching graduates need to find a job they like doing and then, when they actually do the job, they’ll like doing it. A fat lot of good that does anyone. According to recent surveys, seventy percent of American employees don’t secure a job they like. In fact, they find a job they dislike. Plus, if graduates happen to land a job they enjoy, it needs to pay a livable wage. A lot don’t.
Search for a job where you can relate to the organization’s mission. You may find little enjoyment in laying bricks all day long, but if the crew you work with is building an architectural masterpiece, you can find joy in your combined results.
Become an individual who loves and masters several fields of study. Remember, the more activities you enjoy (at both work and at play), the easier it will be for you to find enjoyment.
Since camaraderie matters, be a good teammate. Make decisions with others’ best interest in mind. Carry your fair share of the work load. Pitch in when others fall behind. Stand up for your colleagues. Speak kindly to others. Willingly do tough jobs. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Deliver on your promises. Master your craft. Be the person you’d like others to be.
Individuals who shout, threaten, demean, insult, and curse others aren’t admired. They may be feared, or even loathed, but they’re never admired. “Country club” bosses who don’t step up to problems for fear of being accused of being hardnosed or controlling aren’t respected either. They’re criticized for showing no moxie and allowing problems to fester. Who’s left? Individuals who step up to problems and manage to keep their emotions in check (even when they strongly disagree) and who do so in a respectful fashion—these are the people who are regularly singled out as the best person to work for, and with.
Although nobody completely understands how anything as complicated as the brain actually functions, I like to think of it as thousands of tiny shelves that sit in long rows inside our head. On these shelves sit millions of even tinier boxes. And inside these boxes you find memories. Some of the boxes remain unopened and unattended for years and the thoughts left inside evaporate like dry ice on a hot summer day. Other memories remain active and vital because we pull a box off the shelf, open it, and relive the experience. Of course, every time we crack open a memory box we change the contents ever so slightly. That’s because when we visit a memory, we add a little here and snip a little there. With each new peek into the box we make subtle alterations until one day, all that is left is the memory of a memory of a memory; little more than a faint and blurred copy. The original is gone forever. But not always. Every once in a while the most amazing thing happens. A mysterious force knocks a box off one of our memory shelves—a box that has sat untouched for years suddenly bursts open. And when it does, you relive a precious moment—unchanged and straight from your childhood.
Child-rearing research suggests that a “free-range childhood” fuels a sense of confidence and independence that can lead to superior accomplishment later in life. More than a few scholars are now suggesting that if you want your offspring to truly excel as adults, retire the helicopter—or at least give it a rest.
Stay true to the principles and values that breathe life into any human interaction by starting all influence attempts with a virtuous purpose.
Unfortunately, when it comes to producing a noteworthy product, polishing is everything. Just ask professional writers about their craft. They’ll eagerly tell you, “Writing is rewriting.” And if they’re smart, they’re rewriting based on the reaction of members of their target audience.
Instituting profit sharing led to a significant and enduring change. The minute employees learned that they were participating directly in the company’s financial success, they began treating the company as their own.
For instance, scores of politicians, celebrities, and, yes, even neighbors, disagree with each other so frequently and with such ferocity that it’s hard to hear the arguments they make over the roar of the methods they employ.
Regardless of why you believe verbal abuse is called for, when considering how much to deliver, consider also this guideline: verbally abuse others exactly as much as you personally like to be abused. It’s the perfect amount.
“Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog. They are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how comfortable it might make you feel saying it – others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, or insulted. You and only you create your emotions. Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them. That is, when it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.”
Influence masters deal in healthy dialogue. Here are four things they do that make it safe to speak out against the majority. First, they don’t become righteously indignant and call everyone else idiots. Instead, they maintain a more humble stance. They say something like: “Hmm, I guess I see things differently—and in this case I’m the only one.” Two, they often ask for permission to speak their opinions. “Would it be okay if I shared a different view?” Three, they speak in tentative language, leaving room for disagreement. “I wonder if this is what’s going on here.” Four, and most important, setting all of their other ways aside, they always find a way to say something that indicates they disagree. They say something. They speak up.