Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay....You have my Word.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?...You look for the fresh prints.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him go faster...If anything, it made him more sluggish.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.
We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea...Runs in our jeans.
Want to hear a word I just made up?..Plagiarism.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?...Aye Matey.
Someone stole my mood ring...I don't know how I feel about it.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Why do cows wear bells?...Because their horns don't work.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high...She looked surprised.