In fact, the evidence is quite clear that humans are designed with a unique capacity for deep attachment in long-term relationships, and each of us has the capacity to come to regard another person as more special than anyone else. The problem with the soulmate model of marriage is that it provides a deeply flawed conception of how to achieve this aspiration. Despite promising an easy path to lasting love, soulmate thinking ultimately makes the quest to “find the One” a more elusive goal, not an easier one. This is because soulmate beliefs are often deeply paradoxical in nature and tend to place relationship success outside of one’s agency.
At their core, soulmate beliefs provide a backwards depiction of the sequencing of healthy relationship development. They suggest that someone exists as your “one-and-only” before you have even met; therefore, relationship success is primarily about simply finding that person. Soulmate thinking diverts attention away from the fundamental truth of loving and lasting marriage—that oneness is made, not found.
There is no doubt that, in time, spouses can become uniquely suited for each other—but this kind of one-of-a-kind connection grows out of adapting to each other, caring for one another’s needs, and developing a shared history of experiences.
The model of soulmate marriage fails because it promises the fruits of fulfillment, connection, and intimacy, without providing the roots needed to make those fruits possible.
Sometimes, soulmate perspectives create a sort of “dating paralysis” among young adults. The crushing quest to find “the one person” they are supposed to be with makes them fearful of making a wrong decision.
For others, soulmate thinking can also have the opposite effect. They become convinced very quickly that their partner is their soulmate, so they jump into “rushed dating” or a rapid courtship. This can lead to a lack of careful consideration of a partner or relationship. While it is healthy for couples to have a growth orientation toward relationships, partnership marriages are best started on shared values, healthy interaction patterns, and a mutual view of what constitutes a good life.
What do you do when the person you believe to be your “one-and-only” is no longer an option for you? This can lead to serious hopelessness, obsessive clinging, and other unhealthy coping mechanisms.
In fact, the evidence is quite clear that humans are designed with a unique capacity for deep attachment in long-term relationships, and each of us has the capacity to come to regard another person as more special than anyone else. The problem with the soulmate model of marriage is that it provides a deeply flawed conception of how to achieve this aspiration. Despite promising an easy path to lasting love, soulmate thinking ultimately makes the quest to “find the One” a more elusive goal, not an easier one. This is because soulmate beliefs are often deeply paradoxical in nature and tend to place relationship success outside of one’s agency.