You want the other person to know that you have judged him or her poorly all this time but now with your new insight you realize he or she are really not the terrible person you thought he or she was. This is not something you have to get off your chest. In fact you probably need to carry the weight of this with you for a while. Carrying that weight will help you change your thinking patterns toward this person and remind you not to judge so quickly.
Rather than waiting for the ideal conditions to appear or using less than ideal conditions as an excuse, I would suggest you ask yourself, "How can I move along the spectrum, even a step or two, toward improved conditions?"
I have found that participants in long-term relationships tend to keep score in their emotional bank accounts. Over time we may build up a mental image of the other person—often a fictitious persona which is heavily weighted toward the things that bug us most about him or her. The perception of the other person can become worse and worse over time as we interpret our present actions in terms of the fictitious persona.
So, that is what I really, really want — for work to get done in a productive manner under conditions in which employees thrive. Our friend and colleague Rich Sheridan, CEO of Menlo Innovations, would sum this up more succinctly: "I want to create joy in the workplace." The benefit of getting clear on this is that it allows you to put into perspective all the things that don’t matter. If work is getting done productively and people are taking joy home to their families, why does it matter if someone leaves early? Why would I feel taken advantage of if someone assumes they can work from home? It only matters if I think my role as a manager is to make sure people are in their offices from 9 to 5 each day. That is not the role I choose as a manager.
When we see a loved one traveling down a life path that we view as destructive or harmful, it is natural that we would want to talk to them and convince them to change. That is appropriate and loving. But, it is also not within our control. We can raise the issue with caring and candor, but then we must acknowledge that others have a different perspective and may not want to change. This is when a crucial conversation becomes an influence challenge.
People are social animals and we are all influenced by the social and structural forces around us.
When we stop expecting people to share their meaning perfectly, we see their poorly delivered messages as a lack of skill rather than poor intent. This reduces our defensiveness because suddenly it’s not about me anymore, but about them.
As you feel yourself getting defensive, step back and create safety for yourself by challenging your perception of the other person’s intent.
First, it is important that you give this person the time, space, and safety to share his or her meaning. People have an innate need to be heard, especially when they feel that a wrong has been committed.
Those who are skilled at dialogue never use their skills to avoid conversations, but rather to hold them effectively. Sometimes that may mean effectively delaying a conversation until a more appropriate time, but it never means dismissing the issue altogether.
Whenever we tell ourselves a Victim Story, we need to challenge our story by asking: “What I am pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?”
You absolutely need to apologize for poor behavior. You may not need to apologize for poor thoughts.
Your brand is how others perceive you, not how you perceive yourself. While you get to influence your brand, you don’t control it because you can only influence, never control, others’ perceptions.
When deciding whether or not to hold a conversation, I would suggest you get really clear on why you are holding it before you even consider how to hold it.
Asking people about your brand is all about getting information and understanding your brand. It is not about you convincing others with your words that they should see you differently.
When we accept that we can’t control others’ perceptions of us, it is tempting to tell ourselves a helpless story: “Their perception is their perception and there is nothing I can do.” We fail to see the difference between control and influence. While you can’t control others’ perceptions, you can influence them, as all good brand marketers know.
People love to get things done. There is incredible satisfaction that comes from checking off an item on the list of things to do—the ability to look at a finished result and say, “Yep, I did that today.”
When you do give a reward of some kind, make sure to link it to a specific behavior or achievement. This is different than just giving someone a perk—it is frequent, specific, and timely. It requires a manger to have a great deal of insight into what is important to an employee and how best to recognize someone. And it is not recognition for recognition’s sake. It is not saying, “Good job for showing up to work today.” Managers should link recognition to specific behaviors...
The big idea is that too often we have a crucial conversation with someone and think that the goal is to get them to recognize the problem so that they will change their behavior. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, it is up to us to allow them their agency and decide what kind of an influence we want to be in their lives.
You don’t get to tell people what your personal brand is, anymore than Nordstrom or Coca-Cola get to tell people what their brand is. You get to act and people get to perceive. Their perception is your brand.
You want the other person to know that you have judged him or her poorly all this time but now with your new insight you realize he or she are really not the terrible person you thought he or she was. This is not something you have to get off your chest. In fact you probably need to carry the weight of this with you for a while. Carrying that weight will help you change your thinking patterns toward this person and remind you not to judge so quickly.