When people share their full concerns in ways that are frank, honest, and respectful, disputes are often solved before they become drama.
Any time you’re unsure whether you should speak up, consider the risks. But not the risks of speaking up, rather the risks of not speaking up.
Don’t start a risky conversation with vague conclusions, judgments, or accusations.
Conclusions are often inflammatory and provoke defensiveness. You’ll have far more success in raising a flag if you start by laying out the factual basis of your concerns before sharing the riskier conclusions.
It’s important to speak up when you feel hurt or resentful because what you don’t talk out, you will act out. Your resentment may show up as backbiting, gossip, silence, disengagement, distrust, and more.
Remember, what you don’t talk out, you’ll act out. And resentment grows larger and uglier as time goes on.
What we thought would be a simple invitation to better understand someone’s struggles can quickly become an intense therapy session, one in which you are not qualified to offer the level of emotional help or support the other person might need.
When someone plays the victim card, don’t pick it up. The moment you metaphorically pick up someone’s victim card, you assume some level of responsibility for their victimhood.
Safety is one of two essential psychological needs. Whenever we believe it’s threatened, we respond with fight, flight, or freeze. Of course, if you find yourself in physical danger, get out of the situation. But when someone is holding us accountable, we are completely safe. It is our pride that’s at risk, not our safety.
It’s not hard to see that, in the case of physical danger, we must take responsibility for our safety. And yet when it comes to psychological safety, we often assume others are responsible for it. If this is our position, the default reaction to feedback is to take offense. Remember that you are responsible for your own psychological safety.
Our other essential psychological need is a sense of self-worth. Too often we derive a sense of self-worth from external sources—jobs, salary, social standing, material possessions, you name it. Then, when someone reveals our shortcomings through harsh or uncomfortable feedback, the house of cards known as our self-worth crumbles.
There is no “we” when assigning tasks; make it clear who’s responsible for what. Also, without a deadline, you have not actually set a goal.
Performance management is simply a series of Crucial Conversations. As the manager, it’s your job to keep the dialogue open. So, going forward, make these performance conversations frequent and focused. The solution you arrive at—whether it addresses ability or motivation—won’t be a one-and-done resolution. You’ll need to check in frequently to ensure the performance plan is working and adjust along the way.
When people share their full concerns in ways that are frank, honest, and respectful, disputes are often solved before they become drama.